Chatrooms, Personals, Online Dating Services
Increasingly, individuals use services on the Internet such as chatrooms, personals, and online dating services to meet and develop relationships with other people. Do these services work? How do they affect the way an individual deals with the members of the opposite sex? What dilemmas are created when physical reality does not match imagined expectations? These questions are essential in determining the role of technologically motivated relationship services and their effects on interpersonal skills. Another question to consider is, are online relationships real or fake? It is often difficult to know if the feelings and understandings developed online are accurate. Furthermore, it is nearly impossible to guess what will happen when two online lovers meet for the first time.
Peter Herring of Baylor University writes "Internet romances don't work. Letters and messages are exchanged, maybe even a phone number or two: the letters and conversations are funny, witty, challenging. A mental picture begins to form: the face, the body, the smile, the hair, and ultimately pictures are exchanged. Invariably the photos disappoint, or perhaps they intimidate. Simply stated, the internet is a place where men, women, and children can exercise their fantasies, as well as escape the realities of their boring and pathetic lives; or maybe they're escaping their exciting and overly burdening lives.
In any case, the fantasy remains, and when it is realized it is more often than not disappointing, much like those we have every day. The Internet remains a forum for friendly chatter, a proving ground for the sexually naive, and a station for all to dispose of their luggage. Problems are solved, problems are created, friends and enemies exchanged. But love, much as in everyday life, remains elusive."
Like the example above suggests, individuals often use their online experiences to escape or avoid reality, for one reason or another. The online world, to some people, represents a place where reality does not have to exist. They can be someone else, have a different personality, and avoid the baggage that necessarily comes with living in a concrete reality. Often, the feelings of friendship and camaraderie is confused with love, resulting in unhappy consequences for the people involved.
Suggestions for people interested in starting an online relationship from Mike Hyman, PhD at New Mexico State University:
Based on my experience, here are some tips for those brave souls who want to start an Internet-based relationship. Although my results were positive--this long-distance relationship now includes frequent visits--remember that these tips are based solely on my experience, so the appropriate disclaimers apply (e.g., your mileage may differ).1. Allow your messages to reveal "the real you." Avoid correspondence dominated by mundane issues, such as "it's rained the last seven days" or "I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow." Save such material for your diary. An Internet-based relationship works best for people who believe that ideas are important. Although you should write about topics of interest to you, I found that current events, books/articles, research ideas (yes, really!), and old movies (I once spent half a Saturday categorizing my favorite movies and explained why I liked them) work well.
2. Always maintain a positive tone. Life is too short even if you don't dwell on morose e-mail. For some, mild sarcasm may work, but only when a smile and a wink will reveal that it was meant in jest. Remember that an innocuous exchange on a discussion list can erupt into a flame war simply because a sender's tone of voice is unknowable. Yes, netiquette permits smiley faces (:-)), but you're better off avoiding cutesiness and negativity. Also, avoid gossip if possible, but don't appear preachy about the sin of gossip.
3. If writing is your forte, then play to your strength and craft your messages rather than constructing them on the fly. Unlike the telephone, e-mail allows you time to reflect and to edit your thoughts.(Remember the times you wish you hadn't said something during a phone conversation!) As the text editors on most mainframe systems are clumsy, you might try composing your messages on your word processor, saving the results as an ASCII file, and then uploading that file to the mainframe.
4. Never write directly about a possible relationship. At best, you'll only expedite matters. At worst, you'll frighten off the other person before he/she's come to know you. Allow your correspondence to slowly blossom into a face-to-face relationship.
5. Always take the ethical high road, but again, don't appear preachy. If nothing else, you'll set the right tone for any future relationship.
6. You can slowly reveal your wild side (or, for academicians like me, what passes for your wild side), but be careful. Look for subtle cues about acceptable topics and the tone for their discussion. Avoid appearing sex-crazed even if you're corresponding with Madonna.
7. Save your correspondence on diskettes. If all works well, you'll have a pleasant memento of your efforts.