Things that You (Should) Laugh At
AaronN192 does not claim ownership of the content of this page.

Great Site (don't bother clicking): http://www.goodquotes.com

---Awesome Proof (from ahajokes.com)---

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Given: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab [multiply both sides by a]
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2 [subtract b^2 from both sides]
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b) [factor]
a + b = b [divide by a - b]
a = 0 [if a=0, then b=0 and any two numbers are always equal to zero.]

Furthermore, if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

---27 Things I Hate About Everyone---

1. People who point to their wrist asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I need to ask where the toilet is, asshole???

2. People who are willing to get their fat ass off of the couch to search the entire room for the TV remote, because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "It's always the last place you look."  Of course it is!!  Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people actually do this? Who and where are they?

4. When people say (while watching a movie), "Did you see that?"  No dumbass, I paid $12 to come to the theater and stare at the damn floor!

5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" ...didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? Plus, they already asked me a question, so I guess it's my turn.  Who the hell do you think you are???

6. When people say "Life is short".  What the hell???  Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!!

7. When you are waiting for the bus, and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?

8. When you are driving and someone asks, "Are we there yet?"  Did we stop yet, asshole, I don't think we did, did we?

9.  People who say things like, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."  So, what did they used to be?  Ears?  Wellington boots?

10. McDonalds staff members who pretend they don't understand anything you say unless you insert 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...it HAS to be a McChicken Burger, just 'Chicken Burger' gets a blank look.  Well, I'll have a McJumbo Jack and jam it up your McAss, to go.

11. When people ask, "Did you cut your hair?" No, dipshit, I got in a fight with the lawnmower.


12. When people say, "Oh, do you want cake for your birthday?  Do you want to eat it?". Damn Right! What good is free cake if you can't eat it?

13. When a product is said to be 'new and improved'.  Which one is it?  If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, it couldn't be new.

14.When someone calls you up and asks you, "What are you doing?"  I don't know, I am OBVIOUSLY talking to you.

15.  When you're eating something and someone asks, "Does that taste good?"  No, it's REALLY revolting.  I always eat stuff I hate.

16. When your wife says, "Do these pants make me look fat?" "No, it's all the ice cream and chocolate you eat that make you look fat!" 

17. When someone asks me, "Do those glasses help you see better?" No, dipshit, I wear them everyday to make my vision WORSERER.

18. When someone else asks, "Did you get glasses?"  This one is so obvious its not even funny.

19. Guys who say, "Now, that's what I'm talkin' about!" ...Oh, I didn't realize that. I thought we were talking about something else.

20. When a cop pulls you over and says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"  Uh, hello dumbass you're the one who pulled me over!!!

21. People who say, "It goes without saying." If it goes without saying, then don't say it. Moving on...

22.  People who say "I'm head-over-heels" for someone: literally, we're always head over heels. If someone ever does a hand-stand and actually gets "heels-over-head" for someone...just get the hell away from them.

23. People who say "I could care less." Hey, that's a NICE thing to say. If you don't care about something, say "I COULDN'T care less."

24. The phrase "Untimely death..." What the hell is a timely death?...dying in your sleep at age 108?

25. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas..." Oh, I didn't realize that they had a dark-secret cloaking device surrounding the city. The only thing that stays in Vegas after you leave is your money...and the fat bastards who took it.

26. Psychics that ask you for your name. Anyway, why are you taking my crappy 10 dollars when you could be winning the million dollar lottery???

27. I hate friends who send me long, copied-off-the-internet "funny" crap to read, which only pisses me off because it's seldom actually funny. Even if it is, I always feel guilty for never replying.


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ONLY IN AMERICA... (credit to my sister)

...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !


...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

How deep would the ocean be without sponges?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

FUNNY SAYINGS

New stuff: added September 2, 2006

Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be shot again.  Have a nice day! Half the people you know are below average. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. "Don't drink and drive - you might spill your beer." Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they'll all think you're on drugs. "So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time." "Fight Crime: Shoot Back!" "Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license." Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. At a repair shop:    "WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)" "When someone puts unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell anonehmous." -Unknown If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk. Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man. It's clinically proven Santa cannot exist;  40 percent of the world (roughly 3 billion people) leave cookies for Santa.  If he eats them all, he will have major heart failure, ridiulopothy and tendon failure in his major limbs, and he with suffer from being a fat-ass.  (However, all of that milk will give him strong bones and teeth!) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Everyone has a photographic memory. Most don't have film. A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. I used to have an open mind....but my brains kept falling out. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Those who live by the sword....get shot by those who don't. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Thou who laughs last thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like...well, night. Well, on the other hand....you have different fingers.

Honk 20 times if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it still remains so popular? Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in parking lots. I either get what I want...or I change my mind. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten up. If you can't convince them, confuse them. There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics. People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, AND they last too long. Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy. He swallowed a lot of wisdom...but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way. If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear extremely tight shoes. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.  I always chose the first one. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up....is like shoveling the driveway in the middle of a snowstorm. If you think nobody cares if you're alive....try missing a couple of mortgage payments. These childhood memories - I have them often, but I usually keep them under control with the use of drugs. I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses. It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word. My dream is to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three 'o clock in the morning. Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry. You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake. Outside of the killings....Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all. You may be a redneck if...you spent more money on your pickup truck than your education. The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.

I can resist everything except temptation. I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm, or a fully functional brain. When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents BEFORE having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along. There is only one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 49 states. Kentucky FTW! Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. When everything's coming your way....you're in the wrong lane. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end....someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait are the things left over by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. I started out with nothing....and I still have most of it. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you. Nothing is foolproof to a decently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. If I had a kitten for everytime I heard someone say that.....lets just say I would be an old lady in an apartment.

Murphy's LAWs


First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .

Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.

Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.

Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Seventh Law: When left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Ninth Law: If there is a 50-50 chance of something going well, there will be a 90% chance that it will completely screw you over.

474 Things To Do When You're Bored

Taken from http://www.cs.earlham.edu/
~jimg/reading/bored.html

Again, AaronN192 takes no credit for the content below.

- Wax the ceiling - Rearrange political campaign signs - Sharpen your teeth - Play Houdini with one of your siblings - Braid your dog's hair - Clean and polish your belly button - Water your dog...see if he grows - Wash a tree - Knight yourself - Name your child Edsel - Scare Stephen King - Give your cat a mohawk - Purr - Mow your carpet - Play Pat Boone records backwards - Vacuum your lawn - Sleep on a bed of nails - DON'T toss and turn - Boil ice cream - Run around in squares - Think of quadruple entendres - Speak in acronyms - Have your pillow X-rayed - Drink straight shots...of water - Calmly have a nervous breakdown - Give your goldfish a perm - Fly a brick - Play tag...on West 35th Street - Exorcise a ghost - Exercise a ghost - Be blue - Be red - But don't be orange - Plant a shoe - Sweat - Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil - Turn - Write a letter to Plato - Mail it - Take your sofa for a walk - Start - Stop - Dial 911 and breathe heavily - Go to a funeral...tell jokes - Play the piano...with mittens on - Scheme - Sit - Stay - Water your family room - Cause a power failure - Roll over - Play dead - Find a witch - Burn her - Donate your brother's body to science - Ask why - Wriggle - Regress - Sleepwalk without sleeping - Try to join Hell's Angels by mail - Wonder - Be a square root - Ask stupid questions - Weld your car doors shut - Spew - Vacation at Three-Mile Island - Surf Ohio - Teach your pet rock to play dead - Go bowling for small game - Be a monk...for a day - Wear a sweatband to your wedding - Staple - Run away - Intimidate a piece of chalk - Abuse the plumbing - Bend a florescent light - Bend a brick - Annoy total strangers - Let the best man win - Believe in Santa Claus - Throw marshmallows against the wall - Hold an ice cube as long as possible - Adopt strange mannerisms - Blow up a balloon until it pops - Sing soft and sweet and clear - Sing loud and sour and gravely - Open everything - Balance a pencil on your nose - Pour milk in your shoes - Write graffiti under the rug - Embarrass yourself - Grind your teeth - Chew ice - Count your belly button - Sit in a row - Stack crumbs - Gesture - Save your toenail clippings - Make a pass at your blender - Punt - Make up words that start with X - Make oatmeal in the bathtub - Search for the Lost Chord - Chew on a sofa cushion - Sing a duet - Balance a pillow on your head - Hold your breath - Faint - Stretch - Flash your mailman - Teach your TA English - Learn to speak Farsi - Swear in Russian - Use an eraser until it goes away - Disassemble your car - Put it together inside out - Record your walls - Interview your feet - Make a list of your favorite fungi - Sell formaldehyde - Repeat - Ad lib - Fade - File your teeth

- Whine - Rake your carpet - Re-elect Richard Nixon - Critique "Three's Company" - Listen to a painting - Play with matches - Buff your cat - Race ferrets - Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange - Have a formal dinner at White Castle - Read Homer in the original Greek - Learn Greek - Change your mind - Change it back - Watch the sun...see if it moves - Build a pyramid - Stand on your head - Stand on someone else's head - Spit shine your Nikes - See how long you can stay awake - See how long you can sleep - Paint your teeth - Wear a salad - Speak with a forked tongue - Paint stripes on a lake - Ski Kansas - Sleep in freefall - Kill a Joule - Test thin ice...with a pogo stick - Apply for a unicorn hunting license - Do a good job - Crawl - Invite the Mansons over for dinner - Paint your windows - Watch a watch until it stops - Flash your goldfish - Paint - Flirt with an evergreen - Smile - Rotate your garden...daily - Paint a smile - Shoot a fire hydrant - Apologize to it - Pretend you're blind - Annoy yourself - Get mad at yourself - Stop speaking to yourself - Be a side effect - Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley - Duck - Redecorate...your garage - Develop a complex - Join the Army...be someone simple - Try harder - Hit the deck - Put leg-warmers on your furniture - Cut the deck - Crumple - Translate Shakespeare into English - Skydive to church - Cheer up a potato - Do aerobic exercises...in your head - Play cards with your swimming pool - Pinstripe your driveway - Play Kick the Fire Hydrant - Harness chipmunk power - Build a house with ice cubes - Call London for a cab - Mug a stop sign - Change your name...daily - Go for a walk in your attic - Challenge your neighbor to a duel - Build a house out of toothpicks - Howl - Wear a lampshade on your head - Memorize the dictionary - Stomp grapes in the bathtub - Find a bug and chase it - Make yourself a pair of wings - Be immobile - Dance 'til you drop - Check under chairs for chewing gum - Squish a loaf of bread - Moo - Bounce a potato - Outmaneuver your shadow - Climb the walls - Appreciate everything - Challenge yourself to a duel - Make napalm - Tattoo your dresser - Watch a bowling ball - Buy some diapers - Eat everything - Begin - Pour milk in the sink - Make cottage cheese - Tie-dye your sheets - Carpet your ceiling - Hold your earlobes - Fold your earlobes - Flap - Squawk - Read tea leaves - Analyze the Koran - Be Buddha - Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize - Plug in the cat - Turn on everything - Drop pebbles down the chimney - Turn off your neighbor - Kill a plant - Buy a 1931 Almanac - Memorize the weather section - Think lewd thoughts about yourself - Blow bubbles - Send chills down your spine - Peel grapes - Make paper from the skins - Bloat - Catch them with your radiator - Get run over by a train of thought - Make up famous sayings - Bite your pinkie

- Get your dog braces - Shave a shrub - Have a proton fight - Watch a car rust - Quiver - Rotate your carpet - Learn to type...with your toes - Set up your Christmas tree in April - Be someone special - Buy the Brooklyn Bridge - Mail it to a friend - Go back to square one - Factor your social security number - Take the fifth - Memorize a series of random numbers - Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages - Join the Foreign Legion - Learn Sanskrit - Exist...existentially, of course - Print counterfeit Confederate money - Kick a cabbage - Take a picture - Put it back - Sandpaper a mushroom - Play solitaire...for cash - Abuse your patio furniture - Run for Pope - Count to a million...fast - Make a schematic drawing...of a rock - Commit seppuku...with a paper knife - Revert - Think shallow thoughts - Starch your shoes - Polish your Calvin's - Contemplate a cockroach - Get a dog to chase your car - Let him catch it - Investigate the Czar - Form a political party - Climb a sidewalk - Have a political party - Get diagonal...with a good friend - Ride a loaf of bread - Sharpen a carrot - Interrogate a gerbil - Go bow hunting for Toyotas - Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids - Jump back - Play to lose - Scalp a street light - Have your car painted...plaid - Read a tomato - Sharpen your sleeping skills - Watch a game show...take notes - Put out a fire - If you can't find a fire, make one - Interview a cloud - Play tiddlywinks...go for blood - Play basketball...in a minefield - Don't talk to things - Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling - Have your cat bronzed - Have your gerbil gilded - Write books about writing books - Create random equations - Mispell words - Tell your feet a joke - Throw a tomato into a fan - Sing the ABC song backwards - Pretend you're a dog - Dial-a-prayer and argue with it - Grease the doorknobs - String up a room - Stack furniture - Relive fond memories - Tie your shoelaces together - Gargle - Count your teeth with your tongue - Decay - Find your half-life - Design a better toilet seat - Shred a newspaper - Have a headache - Scratch - Sniff - Hatch an egg - Play air guitar - Act profound - Spill - Spell - Stare - Truncate - Slouch - Develop hearing problems - Put your feet behind your head - Tie bows in everything - Hold your hand - Watch the minute hand move - Grow your fingernails - Pretend you're a telephone - Ring - Radiate - Skip - Play hopscotch...with real scotch - Clock the velocity of your REMs - Put your shoes on the opposite feet - Cross your toes - Roll your tongue - Crystallize - Baby oil the floor - Hide - Attack innocent bunnies - Declare war - Destroy a tree - Hide the scrabble bag - Seduce your stick shift - Wink - Memorize the periodic table - Mummify - Pretend you're a roadie - Buy a Ginsu knife - Collect electrons - Correct typos that aren't there - Polish your neck...use Pledge

- Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God - Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car - Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet - Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes - Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture - Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending - Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk") - Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother - Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong - Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail - Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire - Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before - Walk on water...but don't get caught - Confess to a crime...that didn't happen - Be in the wrong place at the right time - Plot the overthrow of your local School Board - Request covert assistance from the CIA - Discover the source of the Mississippi - Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska - Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes - Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is - Drink as much prune juice as you can - Write a book about your previous life - Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres - Jump up and down...on your alarm clock - Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins - Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels - Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow - Drive the speed limit...in your garage - Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final - Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna - Pay off the national debt...with a bad check - Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people - Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas - Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes - Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster - See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement - Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English - Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good job they're doing...On April 1st - Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor - Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them - Turn your TV picture tube upside down - Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy - Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets - Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks - Be planar...but don't tell your parents - Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck - Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed - Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed - Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese - Debate politics with a fern - See how small you can scrunch your face

- Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis - Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization) - Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation - Raise professional certified racing turnips - Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation - Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U. - Go to a drive-in movie in a tank - Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway - Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first - Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch - Send your goldfish to obedience school - Free the oppressed toasters of America - Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing - Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave - Park your car...with a friend - Park your car...with a group of friends - Frame your first statement of bankruptcy - Place it on the wall of your office - Solve the population problem (p^2 + 2pq + q^2 = population...solve for p) - Contribute to the population problem - Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign - Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor - Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife - Get Wal Mart and K Mart to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway - Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night - Play with anything that looks interesting - Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first - See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water - Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work - Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up - State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes") - Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design - Make a schematic drawing...of a rock - Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like - See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house - Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while - See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green - Bronze your sister's turtle - See how long it takes for her to notice - See what she does when she notices - Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again. - Increase your territorial holdings by force - Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat - Boldly go where no man has gone before - Be a threat to the American way of life - Do research into the cause of World War III - Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life - Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh